November 23, 2017 Elijah Ogidi-Olu 1 Comments

Lagos! – The land of opportunities. One of the skills needed to survive in “Lasgidi” is the opportunity recognition skill. A few weeks ago, the conductor had joined “Lady-in-red” and I, in holy… sorry, monetary matrimony. I had told her I was running late for work, and she had to leave the whole N1k for me. I remember she gave me one look like “Is this one normal?

I told her I was just kidding and asked where she was headed.
“Lekki” she replied with her sweet “beggy beggy” voice. I don’t want to start sharing my contact extraction skills (it’s called competitive advantage) but I collected her number. She wouldn’t tell me her name though, so of course you already know what I saved it with. We had chatted on WhatsApp, about four five times and had agreed to meet today at Ikeja City Mall.
The D-Day *inserts soundtrack*
It was a lovely Saturday morning. Two birds were chirping on my window, like they were gossiping about me. I had woken up early, freshened up, but I had to wait until the end of the environmental cleaning exercise before heading out. Stupid something. With all the environmental, is Lagos now as clean as London? Mtchew!
I used my roll-on, sprayed my perfume, and wore my Adidas sneakers. My “hypoed” white t-shirt and deep blue jean were also not looking bad.
“Mans not hot!” I said, as I flipped my shades on and removed myself from the front of the mirror. Just as I stepped out of my apartment, my phone rang.
“Hello there” I said with a wide grin on my face.
“Hi dear. How are you?”
“I’m fine o. And you?” I continued walking towards the bus park.
“I’m ok. So I just wanted to tell you that I’m at Magodo with a friend. When you’re at ICM, call me. I’ll start coming over.”
“Oh okay then. I want to make a quick stop at Computer Village, and I’ll be heading to ICM from there. Okay?”
“Alright. No problem.”
“So you still won’t tell me your name?”
“Don’t worry. I’ll tell you when we see.”
I and the shirtless bus conductor, who was yelling “Ikeja! Under bridge Ikeja!” almost accidentally did a chest bump but I quickly avoided him. Suddenly, another bus conductor grabbed my hand, and pulled me frantically towards his bus. The one I just avoided caught up, and pulled me by my other hand back to his bus.
“Are you mad?!” I shouted as I jerked my hand off the hijacker’s, and climbed into the shirtless conductor’s bus. I was the last passenger, and in forty minutes, I was at computer village. I held my properties close as I entered Computer Village. You can’t be careless here. Earlier this year, boys moved my friend’s phone while his earpiece was plugged in. One music track ended and bros was waiting for the next track.
Reports have it that he’s still waiting
Paul, who was excited to see me, was just hailing me, left right and center. I told him I had a meeting to attend, and quickly dropped my Blackberry Z10. I added N70k and picked the iPhone 6S we’d already discussed over the phone. “Perfect timing for my date” I smiled as the thought flashed across my mind. Paul helped set my new phone up, and transferred my SIM and memory card.
“Bros, your money con remain five thous…”
I didn’t wait for the rest of Paul’s rambling. I zoomed out of Computer Village and was quickly inside the bus to ICM. The guy sitting beside me gave me a tract. I took a quick glance “Signs Of The End Times!”. If there was ever any time I was going to read tracts, not today. I was busy imagining and rehearsing my date with Lady-in-red.
Few minutes later, the same guy asked me how he could get to Ojodu Berger from Alausa Secretariat. I realized he was holding a brown envelope, so I described.
“Shoprite! Shoprite!!” The bus conductor shouted.
O wa o!” I responded and alighted (I wonder why they call the whole mall “Shoprite” anyway). Three seconds after the bus moved, I realized.
“My change! My change!!” I shouted but the bus had gone too far. N400 was gone just like that. “Ooh! See what over-excitement has caused now!” I murmured, ensuring nobody saw me running after the bus.
Something felt odd...
I felt my pocket and my wallet was intact. I was just about breathing a sigh of relief when I realized my new phone wasn’t in my pocket.
Jesus!, The Tract Guy!!!

Mature Minds Talk.

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